The holiday season is expected to be a time of coziness, family, and celebration. For those grieving the loss of a loved one, though, it can be an incredibly difficult and painful time of year. The absence of a loved one can feel especially deep in moments that are meant to be shared with others. If you’re experiencing grief this holiday season, know that you’re not alone, and that there are ways to find moments of peace amid the sorrow.
Grieving is a deeply personal experience, and everyone’s experience is different. Here are some things to think about and strategies to help you honor both your emotions and your loved one during this season.
1. Acknowledge Your Feelings (All of Them)
The holidays often come with an expectation of joy and celebration, which can make grief feel out of place or even shameful. However, grief doesn’t follow a calendar. It’s okay to have moments of sadness, to miss your loved one, or to feel a mix of emotions including joy, sadness, and even anger. The human emotional experience is very complex, so expecting it to always fit into neat categories is unrealistic. Be you. Allow yourself to experience whatever emotions arise without judgment. Judging yourself negatively is only going to deepen your negative feelings and isn’t fair to you. You’re a human being with an emotional response to both a joyous holiday and a painful event. It’s okay to feel both at the same time.
2. Set Boundaries Around Holiday Activities
If you’re feeling emotional, it’s okay to limit your participation in holiday events. Grief can deplete your energy, and sometimes the thought of gatherings or traditions might feel overwhelming. If you have family or friends that are rigid about traditions or following through with their wishes for the events, remind them that you’ll need them to have flexibility this holiday season. Allow yourself to opt out or leave early if you need to. You might tell family or friends, “I may need to take breaks during the celebration,” or “I’ll join for a while, but I might leave early.” Setting these boundaries allows you to approach the season at your own pace, without feeling obligated to perform for others.
3. Honor Your Loved One’s Memory in a Way That Feels Right
Finding ways to remember and celebrate your loved one can be comforting during the holidays. Remembering and sharing stories about the blessings they’ve brought to you or others can be heartwarming. You might set a place at the table for them, light a candle in their memory, or share stories that remind you of their presence. Some people find comfort in continuing a tradition enjoyed by the loved one, like baking a favorite recipe or listening to their favorite music. These small acts create a meaningful connection with your loved one, keeping them close to your heart in a way that feels right for you.
However, it’s okay if you do not want to do these things. If your grieving requires some space from memories, that’s okay, too. The important thing is to listen to your mind and body and do what feels right for you. If others have negative comments about your coping, remind them that everyone is unique and that each person grieves differently (and that they’re not in your shoes and cannot understand your experience).
4. Create New Traditions, if Needed
Sometimes, old traditions may feel too painful without your loved one. It’s okay to try something new in this new chapter of your life. You might take a trip, volunteer, or celebrate in a different setting altogether. Grief changes us, and our traditions can change too. By allowing yourself the flexibility to create new memories, you make space for healing.
5. Seek Support from People Who Understand
Grief can be isolating, especially during a time when others seem joyful and festive. You may find comfort in talking with friends or family members who understand your loss or joining a support group. Sharing your experiences can help you feel less alone and feel more understood, and hearing others’ stories often brings a sense of understanding and community. Grief can be too heavy to carry alone, and speaking to a mental health professional can offer you tools to cope and manage difficult feelings. Remember, seeking support is a sign of strength, not weakness.
6. Practice Self-Compassion
Grieving is emotionally and physically draining. During the holidays, give yourself the same kindness you would give to a friend who is grieving. This might mean taking time for rest, eating nourishing foods, or simply allowing yourself to enjoy small pleasures without guilt. Embrace whatever self-care practices bring you comfort. Grief doesn’t mean you must be sad all the time. There’s no need to beat yourself up if you find moments of joy or laughter, even as you mourn. These moments are not betrayals of your grief; they are signs of the complex human experience; you can feel multiple feelings at the same time.
7. You Can Say “No”
It’s okay if you don’t feel up to certain activities, conversations, or events. Grief often requires us to conserve emotional energy. Politely declining invitations or redirecting conversations about your loved one is a way to honor your own needs. If someone asks you to talk about your loss and you’re not ready, a gentle response like, “I’d rather not discuss it right now,” is perfectly acceptable. Your needs are important, so make sure you’re taking care of yourself. Try not to feel pressure to do what others expect.
This holiday season, remember that there’s no “right” way to grieve. Take it one day at a time, lean on those who care for you, and give yourself permission to feel and do whatever helps you find comfort. Grief is an expression of love for your loss; just remember to love and care for yourself as well.